If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West