The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE