DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN