*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Sorry. Not sorry
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
a god among men
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.