I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.