Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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If you are reading this then you are reading this
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.