I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.