You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Does beer think about me too?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!