If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“I wouldn’t.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…