What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up