#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.