lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I have no passwords left in me
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Spider-cat: No One Home
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When libraries troll their patrons.