HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?