I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Just me and my debit card against the world
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.