Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.