Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”