Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”