As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Meow?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.