If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You Might Also Like
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
How animals would run if they were human
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no