let’s play a round of hopscotch πβ π»ππΌ
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there should be an opposite of valentineβs day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well youβre all dead to me too.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What Theyβre Making Another One
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: Itβll be beautiful. Theyβll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I donβt want to spoil them.
Trapped in a crevice. βGo on boy, get help.β The dog chews off my one free arm. βOk yeah bring that back to town I guessβ
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste companyβs marketing department came up with
Iβd like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashianβs wedding is the one of the saddest things iβve ever seen
In the garden centre and a womanβs screaming:
βDONβT PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!β
Everyone looks over expecting a child and thereβs John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Donβt tell me being a mom isnβt cool.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
monday
Watch out, fellow motorists! Iβve got fast-food in my hand and Iβm not afraid to give it my full attention.