I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.