I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
These are my roll models.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…