pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
this FaceApp is creepy af
Canadian owl: Eh?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.