Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I feel seen
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means