There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Hitlers gonna hitl
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore