I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
this is uni
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Worth a try
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.