There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.