Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
December birthdays be like…
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.