Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m listening
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.