I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children