McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Ugh
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: