Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no