This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
That’s it.I’m out.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.