Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.