He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist