That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Sharon I have some bad news
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare