Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Encore…
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.