someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*