Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
You Might Also Like
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.