ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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when you order from DoorDastardly
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.