My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead