Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Not my job 😂
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Customer is always right
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.