*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”