I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
secret recipe
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.