Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Succinctly put.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.