I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.