I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.