“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor