Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.