Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch